I read the news yesterday evening, short time before I wanted to go to bed. And I was deeply shocked and heartbroken, I started crying and listened to the songs and cried even more. And my boyfriend - who loved Linkin Park even more than me - couldn't understand why. He asked me why I'm so deep into it and why I couldn't just stop taking everything so seriously. But the thing is: this is me. I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. And I'm emphatic. I'm crying for their lost lives, for their families and friends and for all those lost chances. I cried for them all - Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, BB King, Leonard Cohen, Prince, Robin Williams and so many more. I had a lot to cry the last 2 years.
Maybe I'm too emotional. Highly sensitive. But I can't change it. I don't want to be like that. It's really not nice to cry so much and to feel this deep pain in your heart, whenever you think of a person who died and about their families and friends grieving. I'm feeling this pain and it takes my breath and leaves me heartbroken. Sometimes I want to be one of those persons, thinking "Oh, Sad!" and then turning away and being happy again. But I'm not like that. I'm different. And most of the time I'm okay with that.
But it's different when it comes to suicide. Mental problems. Whenever one of the person, who inspired me throughout my life chose to end it because they can't stand it anymore, there is this feeling inside my heart. And it's hurting even more. Because I know this feeling. I know these thoughts. Every person is different and every depression has it's own faces, but I'm able to relate to them. The feelings, the pain they must have felt.
When you're depressed it doesn't matter that you have a family and friends who would miss you. You can't see them anymore. They're still there but you can't reach them. You feel alone even though you're not. You feel broken. And exhausted. You feel like you've lost something but you don't know what it was. Until you realise that it's yourself you've lost. And you don't have a clue how to get yourself back again. You live while you die inside and nobody can see it. They maybe say you're weak because you can't handle your own life. And maybe you think the same. And in those moments you can't see that you are not weak, because you fight the hardest - every day in your life. This is not weakness, it's bravery and strenght. And there is this one thought in your head, repeating over and over again: The world's a better place without you. You're wrong, but you can't see it. Someday you believe it. You believe, that you're parents are happier without you. Or your wife, your husband, your children, your friends. Because without you and your depression, your swallowing sadness and emptiness and self-hatred they can start over new. Then they don't have to deal with you and your illness anymore, then they can laugh and be happy. Of course you're wrong, but at this stage you can't see it. You believe your own thoughts, you believe your depression whispering to you that you're worthless and a burden. And this is a big step towards suicide.
I had such thoughts. And I wished for something - or someone - ending it for me, so that I don't have to do it myself. If it was an accident, it wasn't my fault, right? And one day your passive suicidality becomes an active suicidality. And you think about how to end your life.
You need help. And deep within you know it. But you don't have the energy to search for help. There's no strenght left. You're completely exhausted.
Maybe you have a family.
Maybe you have friends.
Maybe you have a therapist.
Maybe you're taking medicine.
But sometimes this isn't enough.
Sometimes death is the only exit you see.
Some are taking it.
And some don't.
But fact is: everyone of us can suffer from depression. Women or men, young or old, religious or atheist, black or white, tall or short, big or small, student, worker or pensioner. Everyone.
Depression is a real thing, it's a real illness and it can kill you. It's important to always remember that. Depressed people, anxious people or other mentally ill people are not searching for attention, they are not overacting. We need help. Not attention. And this is why it's so important to be aware of the way we treat each other. You never know which battle others are fighting. So be kind and be there if one needs you. Being depressed is not a joke, it's a slowly killing invisible illness. You can't see it, but it's still there. And it's deathly real.
So this is why I was so heartbroken yesterday. And a few weeks ago when Chris Cornell passed. Because I thought about ending my life as well. Till today I was able to not doing it, but I still have to fight every single day. Against this voice in my heart telling me that it would be better if I'm dead. I was feeling like this so many weeks in my life and I still do. And knowing a person who inspired me for such a long time weren't able to fight anymore hurts so much. Because I know how easy it seems to just give up instead of fighting on and on and on. I'm heartbroken for me. Because I have to fight this battle as well and I'll never know who long I can fight on. I'm heartbroken for them, because they lost their battles and weren't able to fight anymore. And I'm heartbroken for all those families and friends left behind. It's hurting and it's not fair and maybe you're angry and maybe you can't understand. But all of those now saying that those committing suicide are too weak just let me say: They are not. They fought their whole lives. Until they weren't able to see another way. Until they decide to not hurt anymore. Because they couldn't stand it anymore. This is not selfish. It's not weak. It just means that they fought far too long.
Depressions are not selfish.
They are not a weakness.
They are an illness.
And please, if you feel like there is no way left than death, if you feel like you can't be happy anymore, if you feel like the emptiness is growing over you - search for help. It's not weak to get help. You can talk at hotlines, you can make a therapy, you can write in communities, you can take medicine - and hopefully you can talk to friends and family. It shouldn't be a taboo to talk about mental illnesses. So to everyone not suffering from a mental illness: do not stigmatize. Listen. Be there. Get help. And don't criticize and don't hand out advices like: "Just decide to be happy", "Take a holiday", "It's not that bad, just go out in the sun!". It's not a phase, it's not bad behaviour, it's an illness we should start taking seriously. Because it is serious. It can kill us all.
„Should´ve stayed", were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep,
there are things that we can have, but can´t keep.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
Who cares when someone´s time runs out,
If a moment is all we are?
Well I do.
And you´re angry and you should be, it´s not fair.
Just cause you can´t see it doesn´t mean it isn´t there.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do.
Linkin Park - One more Light